Zobristisms
Thanks to my "Favorite" Little Sister
I will never forget all the unforgettable stories of my childhood.
a zobrist child must instigate a food fight during dinner. this is a time honored rite of passage. mine involved butter. it usually starts begin targeted at alan but soon grows to involve the whole family.
want to leave your bra around the house? that's fine. but it's bound to end up on our street signs, flying in the wind. or around the rearview mirror on a truck. heck, it might end up there even if you don't leave it about. this is often often referred to as the flying purple bird anomaly.
leftovers are for the chickens. that's why the chicken bucket was invented. that, and for collecting chicken eggs.
dogs come in gaggles. cats are expendable (thanks dad). dead animals get tree memorials. birds are freezable/microwavable/drunk-
able. tarantulas like windex. cows make great leather couches. snakes enjoy shower drains. and horses look best against plexiglass surrounded by chlorine water.
always volunteer to do the nightly feedings for the horses- dad has a stash of of candy in the trailer.
nothing says i love you like sackcloth and ashes.
just ask josh & anna.
you always want dad to make your lunch- he usually includes 4 quarters hidden in the sandwich. just make sure you check before you bite.
christmas is a time of frenzy and fantasy. esp. when you have a magic christmas tree. instructions: buy a magic christmas seed from a magical traveler (or use an avocado pit- whatevs). plant the seed and check on it hourly. it will rapidly grow into a little branch (that resembles our bushes), then a small bush (which looks awfully like a tree branch) then poof! you have a tree!
sometimes working in freezing temperatures, cutting up raw chicken with people who don't speak english can teach you valuable life lessons. but more often than not, it doesn't. actually, it never teaches you anything.
when potential suitors approach the zobrist compound, hoping to date one of the girls, the suitor is given an application. he is asked for his SS#, references, intentions he has for the girl in question, and others ("if a chicken is crossing the road across from the zobrist house and a dog walks by, what time is it?) make sure your gun is prominently on display as well.
if you accidently sit on a budding alfalfa bush, do not lie and say a dog sat on it. believe me; it will only end badly for you and your caboose. but not for your sibling’s butts- they turn out to be quite the actors.
if one is ever in possession of a tan van, driving it into the garage door might not be the best way to ensure a driver's license. neither will dragging the truck alongside a trash can or stealing it for mcdonald's runs.
want a fun halloween costume? or just want to try on 'the blue man' group's outfit? cover yourself in blue paint! all the rage these days...
don't steal. but if you do, make sure no video cameras are set up. EXCEPTION: if you leave money lying about, you are just asking for trouble.
square-head, noonie, rb, pineapple, priss, bubblebutt, mother hen, the three little girls, gopher girl and awn are actually endearing nicknames. learn to love them.
general conference was made for cinammon rolls. sundays were made for large dinners and don' be the last NOT IT or else you get to burn your hands while wishing dishes. (Mom's dishwasher has two temps. 2nd degree and 3rd degree- burns that is)
sentiments of affections offer little value here. not that they aren’t wonderful and all gooey-inside making. mom, we know you love us, but what good does that do us?
when you kill something, you are expected to eat it. thankfully though, mom snuck around this law when making snakeskin stew with chicken (which was delicious). the real stuff, we came to know a few days later, was not quite as delicious.
when you wake up, make sure you turn on the porch light. this will act as a beacon to call your mother back home. just don’t let her catch you eating cheerios on the piano- this will end the lack of parental supervision time you enjoy.
as part of our wonderful ananatomical anonomly, we have built in burgular alarms. our nasal orchestra is loud enough to scare any robbers away.
you know, you might be a parents, but you still might not know how to use a belt properly. this is where know-it-all sons come in handy.
be scared of the belt. or in nate's case, the sword.
kissing your brother is by FAR the worst possible punishment you could ever receive.
red play dough + gun powder + match = one eyed boy + lots of fun.
anything less than a harley is a crime against nature.
if you have a big sister who tells you to do something, think twice. more than likely, she is trying to pawn off some misdeed on you. especially if they involve fake flowers.
holidays were made for coloring breakfast foods. especially oatmeal. although sometimes it turns purple for no good reason, other than your father’s enjoyment.
animals often get names, such as tom the turkey, Helen, or jeanie. bad news is they eventually become dinner. so don’t get too attached. these ones actually were never eaten- tom & helen died of old age. jeanie was so mean she had to be slaughtered (i wonder whose pet THAT was?) but spot the pig was eaten and I am still bitter about that.
dad used to be a little girl. i don’t know how or why or what the particular were, but this singular fact is enough to creep anyone out.
sometimes the boy who cried snake isn’t lying. need proof? wait till his arm poofs up faster than anna can cry.
cursing is NOT to be had in the zobrist household. if will result in getting your mouth washed out with soap and/or hot sauce. EXCEPTION: alan, rachelle, or oscar johnson.
if your dog bo dies, don’t fret! you can always replace him with another- no harm, no foul!
quick duck: the exciting game used by hs students who are followed by their parents while they are on less-
if you, as a father, want to punish your son, do not, i repeat, DO NOT, kick him in the butt. he will poop on you as his punishment for your punishment.
christmas is an extremely magical time. the most prized gift is also the greenest- our money trees, not to be confused with the cash advancing business. twigs are immortalized in cement then decorated with fresh, crisp $1 to be used at jones feed after church for cokes or candy bars.
sometimes throwing a tv on the front walkway won’t break it. no matter how many times you throw it. thankfully, alan discovered he had a gun.
beware of who you tickle. some people have low tolerance for tickles and you end up getting puke all over you. in all fairness, she did warn you.
when your big brother asks you to sit on his lap while he’s at the piano, RUN! he will hold you there for hours, forcing you to sing, teach you how to conduct, or just hit yourself for hours.
when you emerged from the waterslide (aka- mother' womb after 6 kids), you were given a number. that number is so no one was forgotten. even though anna was (she fell asleep in dad's closet after being punished. we didn't realize she was gone till we were on our way to church. when you have 6 chicklens, it's easy to misplace one or two). numbers are used as following:
(zobrist kids enter the tan-van)
mom: count off!
nate: 1! shannon: 2!
josh: 3! anna: 4!
devin: 5!melissa: 6!
horse troughs have multiple purposes. aside from the obvious, they are perfect size hot-tubs, or more aptly put, cold tubs for lounging around. don't worry- no cleaning necessary. They can also be used as fish tanks and live self-
sufficiently on the algae.
did you know the in the leafy treetops, the birds sing ‘good morning’? you know, they usually are the first ones to see the sun so they have to tell everyone. in the pretty garden, the flowers are doing….something. i don’t remember what- usually at this point, i fall back to bed.
church is a time of reverence. if you are fortunate (and sneaky) enough to hide a treat, do not put it down your pants. this could result in getting gum all over your schnabby. the penis kind, not the neck.
dots on walls are not purely decoration, but unique forms of punishment. when you get in trouble (and let’s face it; you are a zobrist and are bound to get in trouble. unless your devin), you are told to ‘peg it to the wall’. but don’t you dare move! alan knows all…
when in need of lunch money, go ask uncle reed. he is usually good for it. grandpa? Not so much.
the bestest of big brothers take their sisters on their bike to band practice
when killing a turkey, make sure you chop its head completely off. lesson learned: young trey tagliaferri who was a little turkey (pun intended) who made the turkey 'nearly headless'.
beware of the peanut butter bird. he hates dirty hair. and gum.
when boning a chicken, avoid the 'schnabby' at all costs. the schnabby is a long, meaty thing- resembling a tube of sausage. when i was little, i was convinced a schnabby was... something found only on a man. it took years to find its true identity--- any guesses?
what makes a pretty girl pretty? well not makeup, esp. when you put it on at the bus stop (anna). not a zingy sense of humor (shannon). not someone who is indecisive (devin) or even someone bossy/spoiled (mel). "the smile on her face and the way she loves others". important life lesson.
playing the piano for an hour every morning starting at 5am is the only way to teach your children the piano. if they get frustrated, make them blow in your face (WARNING: morning breath). "one day, you will thank me for doing this". sorry mom, no thanks here.
saturday schedule: cold cereal (a TREAT!) in chocolate milk followed by a long morning of shoveling horse poop/chicken poop/ (if you were lucky) riding dad's tractor. to finish the long day's work, you got to go to jone's feed for a soda & candy bar.
IMPORTANT: a coke + 2 candy bars do NOT = $100.
Unless your Mel
when you marry into the zobrist clan, you need to realize you are now involved with local celebrities. having appeared in several exposes on ABC, these farm folks & their turkeys are quite the talk around town.
one day when your little sister becomes famous for being the first singer riding a horse in a rodeo while managing her 7-11s via headset and her horse playing soccer, she will buy you an A/Ced tractor + TV, large diamond ring, or motor-cycle. your choice.
bleach can turn your black hands white. thankfully, we are white. regrettably, now Ernie is too.
zobrists are always prepared for disaster or life’s little tragedies. huge generator? check. drums of water? check. a living will? yes sir- it’s called the ray policy. when my dad reaches his maximum potential for craziness, we have the authority to take him to the desert and shoot him. the clock’s ticking pop…
come halloween time, make sure your friends know not to come to the zobrist’s house. our coffins come with real bodies. and scary, scary masks.
animals that live on the zobrist plantation tend to have mental problems. either due to ear chewing or emotional suffocation. this tends to have an effect on their actions. we have experience suicide attempts, incontinence (white dogs especially), and even blatant attempts for attention (like rescuing birds and leaving them on cars).
fish have feelings. even if you don’t eat them, they tend to haunt you. in your window sill, bathroom, even your bed. Beware.
toilets have various functions. preferably, they make excellent planters. and outdoor toilets. do your business and it biodegrades in a couple years! just doing our part to save the planet.
One thing I can say about my childhood is that it was never dull. And i never knew how much I appreciated all the creative punishments and activities until I had children of my own.
