I wanted to do a thankful post, but with two very active little boys and family coming into town I didn't get this done before Thanksgiving. Just know that I am thankful for everyone and everything in my life. These are just a few things and they are in no particular order.
1. First and formost, God.
He has given me so much strength and help in the last month I know that I would not have been able to do what needed to be done without him. He truly is amazing.
2. My mother.
My mother has always been a hero of mine. Now more than ever. She gets up and makes breakfast for my boys almost every morning. She has sat and cried with me and listen to me vent and pushed me to get off my butt and pray and read my scriptures.
3. My father.
Growing up, my dad was never around much and when he was you had to stay out of his way. He has been so kind and gentle, never raising his voice to my boys, or getting upset with them. He has even picked up Nick while he cried and tried to make him laugh. My father has grown into the father he always could have been.
4. Noah.
He makes me so mad, but then within seconds he can make me laugh. He is so stubborn and hard headed, but I love him for it. He will always give me a hug and a kiss and tell me to take a deep breath. He is what saved me from myself.
5. Nicklaus.
Was part of my family before I even knew he existed. He was sent from heaven to keep me grounded and sane. He is the glue of our small little family. His smile lights up my world and his "I Love Yous" melt my heart.
6. Car.
I have now had my car for just over 5 years, it is now paid off. And working wonderfully (thank you to my mother for that!) I am so lucky to be able to have a car at my disposal when so many people do not. It keeps me warm, it sings to me and also keeps the sun out of my eyes (thank you limo tint!)
7. My New Ward
Moving is hard. Starting over is hard. Having your life on hold, is hard. But my new ward has welcomed me in with so much love. I have NEVER felt so welcomed by so many people that I don't know. They are what the gospel is all about. I am thankful to be blessed with such a ward right now.
8. Sara.
Thank you so much for your friendship. You have always been there for me. Even after all these years I still feel your love for me. We can go a year without talking and see each other and it seems like nothing has changed (besides our weight and # of children lol) I love you and appreciate your friendship so much.
9. Courtney
You have been my best friend for so many years, you've seen me at my best and worst and love me no matter what. Thank you for lending me ears, chocolate, clothes, children, cars, money, whatever I need I know you are always there for me. I love you so much and you are my sister from another mister. (even if you don't read my blog!)
10. Miracles
Like Driving to Vegas on a flat tire, that never went flat. And letting my battery work long enough to get me here. Having people to count on when you need someone to count on. For those little moments when the boys are quite and I can sit and think! Miracles are around every day, its just a matter of opening your eyes to see them
11. The Sun
Oh how I miss you! I am thankful for the sun, who shines its beams on me! Keeps my warm, provides me with so much joy (and tans!)
12. Arizona
I never thought that I could love a different state more than Nevada. But I do. I am thankful that it has felt like home there since I first arrived. I am thankful that there is almost no wind there and has lots of sun!
13. Chocolate
Need I say more
14. The Temple.
I am going there someday. I am thankful to have it so close to my home. That I can just go and get the comfort and the peace that I need. That I can feel the spirit so strong and that I know God is there and that he knows and loves me.
15. The Gospel
I am thankful to have the gospel in my life. It too brings so much joy and peace and family to me. I know that this church is true and I am thankful to be one of the many saints to understand and live the gospel so that I may return back to my heavenly father.
16. Collin
I am thankful to have him as my husband. We don't always get along and we have had some horrible times. But we have had some good times. I will always be thankful for him no matter what happens to our marriage.
17. Collins Family
They took me in as my own, loved me. Loved my boys. I could not have asked for better in-laws. Thank you for everything you all mean so much to me.
18. Sewing Machines
You have been one of my many saving graces the last couple of weeks. I love how you can just sit down and within hours you have a work of art. or something completely un-useful but so cute!
19. Devin & Jared.
Thankful for them who would get up with my children and keep them entertained! Jared for taking such good care of them so I had the chance to spend some time with my sisters.
20. Shannon.
She got me hot chocolate and hot fries who could ask for more! Oh and letting me snuggle with her knee :-)
21. Mel
Once I learned that if I stopped stealing her cloths, she would just give them to me, made my life so much easier. And my closet so much cuter! Thank you for the laughs and never letting me get a big head and your cloths.
22. Uggs
Okay not the real ones, but I just accriered a pair of these horrible ugly things and I have fallen in love. They keep my feet so toasty warm, now I have to wonder how I am every going to wear regular shoes again.
23. Books
I am thankful for these many stories about Rose, Mercy, Chloe, Percy, Harry, Dustfinger, Sookie, and the many others that kept me busy and enthralled over and over and over again.
24. The Dentist
Without him I would be toothless and my teeth would look oh so much worse. I am thankful for Dr Simister and Dr Leaver who have spent the better part of my life trying to fix me. Hopefully one day I will be complete
25. Stars
The stars in the sky who provide me with light and hope at night. Who are always burning bright and are always there no matter what. I want to be a star, and I hope that I am to my friends and family. Even if you can't see me, know that I am always there for you. I cover the sky and I carry your dreams, hopes and fears. They will forever be my favorite shape, and burning ball of gas.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Adoption Month
So much to my surprise it is Adoption month. And I am on my way to being the best Auntie to a wonderful little baby, by way of an angel. Not many people get to have babies this way, that is because not everyone is special enough to get handpicked to have a child by God. My sister Devin and her husband Jared are one of those lucky couples. So in keeping with Adoption month, they have devoted their whole blog to adoption; and being the WONDERFUL sister that I am, I volunteered to write my thoughts and feelings about adoption for them. I thought that I would share with you all as well. And to tell you to please check out their blog. Pass it on to your friends and family. God always needs Angels to help do his work, and you could be that angel that helps Devin and Jared have that family they desire.
Devin's Blog
Devin's Blog
I remember when I was about nine years old and watching my mother give Devin a shot. Sometimes this shot would be in her leg or arm or butt. Almost never in her belly; and while the stomach is the best place to get a shot Devin hated having it done there because she couldn't stand seeing the needle going into herself. One time (and i don't remember who asked) one of us kids asked my mom, why she flicks the needle, turns it upside down and pushes the bubble out. She said because if she left the bubble in the needle then Devin could get a bubble in her butt and that would not be good. Hence why Devin has the nickname Bubble Butt.
I do not remember a time when i didn't know that Devin couldn't have kids. It was just a fact of life. My mom was always straight forth and honest with any questions that we had. Like why Devin got shots every day, why she was so much shorter, what are all the docotrs appointments for and why is she so happy that her bones are eight years old now. Shes ten!
I always knew it was because she had turners syndrome. I never fully understood what turners syndrome was; and even today while I can tell you what it is, and what some of the symptoms are, I don't think I fully understand it completely.
One of the biggest effects of turners syndrome is that the woman can not ever have any kids; her ovaries don't ever develop. Growing up we like to tell Devin that she as lucky she couldn't have kids because she never had to get fat, and she got to pick her kids and she could have the black baby girl that we always wanted! (we love pouffy hair in my family)
I do not remember a time when i didn't know that Devin couldn't have kids. It was just a fact of life. My mom was always straight forth and honest with any questions that we had. Like why Devin got shots every day, why she was so much shorter, what are all the docotrs appointments for and why is she so happy that her bones are eight years old now. Shes ten!
I always knew it was because she had turners syndrome. I never fully understood what turners syndrome was; and even today while I can tell you what it is, and what some of the symptoms are, I don't think I fully understand it completely.
One of the biggest effects of turners syndrome is that the woman can not ever have any kids; her ovaries don't ever develop. Growing up we like to tell Devin that she as lucky she couldn't have kids because she never had to get fat, and she got to pick her kids and she could have the black baby girl that we always wanted! (we love pouffy hair in my family)
It was never a question if Devin was going to adopt, it was when and what kind of baby she is going to get! All of her sisters voted for her to have a little black girl, and her mother would always say that she tought Devin should have a little Asian baby; and my father a Hispanic one. (we want a family of color lol)
That was our own sadistic way of trying to make Devin feel better on those occasional days when you could see she was having a hard time with not being able to have a baby. Devin never felt like she was allowed to cry over it, she never thought that she was allowed to be sad about it, or even mourn. She always put on a brave face, she never cursed the Lord or got mad at anyone else over it. Because of that, she is one of the strongest women I know for having the faith that one day god will give her and Jared a baby. Jared is a strong man for going into a marriage knowing that he can never have his own natural children. Most men wouldn't. Any baby they get is going to be so lucky to have them as parents. Even if Jared does wear the silly toe shoes.
That was our own sadistic way of trying to make Devin feel better on those occasional days when you could see she was having a hard time with not being able to have a baby. Devin never felt like she was allowed to cry over it, she never thought that she was allowed to be sad about it, or even mourn. She always put on a brave face, she never cursed the Lord or got mad at anyone else over it. Because of that, she is one of the strongest women I know for having the faith that one day god will give her and Jared a baby. Jared is a strong man for going into a marriage knowing that he can never have his own natural children. Most men wouldn't. Any baby they get is going to be so lucky to have them as parents. Even if Jared does wear the silly toe shoes.
Adoption to me is just one of Gods many miracles. Its his way of being able to turn a storm cloud for one family into a rainbow for another.
Like Jared's mom said 'placing your baby up for adoption is one of the most selfless act someone could do' I agree. It pains me to watch Devin as she try to put on a brave face when another one of her friends or family member get peg and has another baby. Devin was born a mom. She was the mother of Melissa and I growing up. She always is taking care of everyone else and thinks of herself last.
A mother is not someone that gave birth. A mother wipes the tears when they fall. She is up with her children all night when they are sick. She cries for them when they are hurt and cries when they succeed. A mother is a selfless person who puts the needs of her children before her own. Devin has been a mother and grew up in a family who's love is unconditional.
We never doubted that our mother loved us; and I know Devin and Jared's children will never doubt that they love them.
I pray everyday that Devin and Jared will get a baby of their own; and I know without a doubt that they will. I found this poem while cruzing the internet and I think it puts the pain that a soon to be mom feels about waiting to become the new mom.
Like Jared's mom said 'placing your baby up for adoption is one of the most selfless act someone could do' I agree. It pains me to watch Devin as she try to put on a brave face when another one of her friends or family member get peg and has another baby. Devin was born a mom. She was the mother of Melissa and I growing up. She always is taking care of everyone else and thinks of herself last.
A mother is not someone that gave birth. A mother wipes the tears when they fall. She is up with her children all night when they are sick. She cries for them when they are hurt and cries when they succeed. A mother is a selfless person who puts the needs of her children before her own. Devin has been a mother and grew up in a family who's love is unconditional.
We never doubted that our mother loved us; and I know Devin and Jared's children will never doubt that they love them.
I pray everyday that Devin and Jared will get a baby of their own; and I know without a doubt that they will. I found this poem while cruzing the internet and I think it puts the pain that a soon to be mom feels about waiting to become the new mom.
I’m pregnant but my tummy isn’t showing,
And no one ever calls me “little mom”.
My neighbours simply aren’t overflowing
With questions that I’d handle with aplomb.
There are no special clothes to mark my waiting.
Nobody stops and smile as I pass by.
The absence of a due date is frustrating,
And looking at the nursery makes me cry.
When I’m “overdue”, no one will worry.
The phone won’t ring and ring as friends check in.
I can’t induce my labor in a hurry,
My new life as a parent to begin.
Adoption is a wearisome endeavour,
And waiting all alone is not much fun.
To be “with child” a year seems like forever …
Dear God, we’re ready: please send us our baby.
And no one ever calls me “little mom”.
My neighbours simply aren’t overflowing
With questions that I’d handle with aplomb.
There are no special clothes to mark my waiting.
Nobody stops and smile as I pass by.
The absence of a due date is frustrating,
And looking at the nursery makes me cry.
When I’m “overdue”, no one will worry.
The phone won’t ring and ring as friends check in.
I can’t induce my labor in a hurry,
My new life as a parent to begin.
Adoption is a wearisome endeavour,
And waiting all alone is not much fun.
To be “with child” a year seems like forever …
Dear God, we’re ready: please send us our baby.
Thank you so much Devin for letting me be apart of adoption month on your blog. I never had the chance to sit down and think about how i truly felt about adoption. You are an amazing woman and Jared is great too. You are lucky to have found him. I can not wait for you to be blessed with your own child, and I can't wait to be her (I love boys but we need more girls!) favorite aunt.
Because we all know that I am the favorite :-)
Free Silhouette Machine!
Go check out the blog www.tatertotsandjello.bloodspot.com! Jen is giving away a free silhouette machine! In case you don't know what a silhouette is, go check out their site; they are so much cooler than the circuits mainly, because you can hook the machine right up to your computer. That means NO MORE CARTRIDGES! http://www.silhouetteamerica.com/ go check it out!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
White Chocolate Raspberry Cake
So last week I was able to sneak my way into Josh's house and cook dinner for him and our friend Amanda. I decided to try a new recipe that looked so DIVINE i just had to do it! And as any of you know when trying a new recipe best not to do it for guests the first time. Oh well. I recommend this one to everyone. You wont be disappointed.
2 pkg (6 squares each) White Chocolate divided
3/4 cup butter softened and divided
1 pkg white cake mix
1 cup milk
3 eggs
2 tsp vanilla divided
1 pkg cream cheese
2 cups powder sugar
raspberry jam
fresh raspberries
Heat oven to 350
grease and flour ( i like wiltons quick cake release best, but any baking spray works) 2 9inch round pans.
Chop half the chocolate place half in med. bowl. Add 1/2 cup butter microwave on high stirring occassionally until butter is melted. Stir until chocolate is completely melted; cool.
Beat cake mix, milk eggs and 1 tsp vanilla and melted chocolate mixture into large bowl until well blended.
Pour batter into pans and bake for 25-28 min. cool cakes in pan for about n10 min then remove from pans to wire racks. Cool completely
Melt remaining chocolate squares as directed on package. (i like the double broiler method best) Beat cream cheese and remaining butter into large bowl with mixer until well blended. Add melted chocolate and remaining vanilla; mix well. Gradually beat in sugar until light and fluffy.
Place 1 cake layer on plate, pipe frosting around the outside edges of the cake to make walls to hold in the jam. then add the jam to cover the center of the cake (about 2-4 tbsp) place the second cake on top and finish frosting. Top with fresh raspberries just before serving.
Hope you enjoy as much as I did!
2 pkg (6 squares each) White Chocolate divided
3/4 cup butter softened and divided
1 pkg white cake mix
1 cup milk
3 eggs
2 tsp vanilla divided
1 pkg cream cheese
2 cups powder sugar
raspberry jam
fresh raspberries
Heat oven to 350
grease and flour ( i like wiltons quick cake release best, but any baking spray works) 2 9inch round pans.
Chop half the chocolate place half in med. bowl. Add 1/2 cup butter microwave on high stirring occassionally until butter is melted. Stir until chocolate is completely melted; cool.
Beat cake mix, milk eggs and 1 tsp vanilla and melted chocolate mixture into large bowl until well blended.
Pour batter into pans and bake for 25-28 min. cool cakes in pan for about n10 min then remove from pans to wire racks. Cool completely
Melt remaining chocolate squares as directed on package. (i like the double broiler method best) Beat cream cheese and remaining butter into large bowl with mixer until well blended. Add melted chocolate and remaining vanilla; mix well. Gradually beat in sugar until light and fluffy.
Place 1 cake layer on plate, pipe frosting around the outside edges of the cake to make walls to hold in the jam. then add the jam to cover the center of the cake (about 2-4 tbsp) place the second cake on top and finish frosting. Top with fresh raspberries just before serving.
Hope you enjoy as much as I did!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
D & C 11: 25-26
25-Deny not the spirit of revelation, nor the spirit of prophecy, for wo unto him the denieth these things.
26- Therefore, treasure up in your heart until the time which is in my wisdom that you shall go forth.
While readying this afternoon this particular scripture jumped out and bit me. I never thought of myself have being able to receive revelation. I have always been a member of the church and knew of others who received it. And I never doubted the truth behind their own revelations, promptings, guidance from the lord. I just never thought of myself as being worthy enough to have my own.
Till one day while driving down the street, it hit me that I needed to have another baby. I started laughing because Collin and I had just had a huge fight and I had left the home for about a week and then made him stay over at his mom's house for a week before I would let him move back in. I kept thinking to myself, there is NO WAY we should be having a baby right now!
But the thought wouldn't leave me, and I kept chalking it up to just being baby hungry. Noah was getting older and no longer wanted to sit and cuddle with me, I just wasn't his everything anymore. I told Collin that I wanted to have another baby and to my surprise he said okay. Couple months later I was pregnant with Nickalus Alan. I have had it reassured to me several different times that Nicklaus is supposed to be mine. That he was sent to my family for a specific reason.
This last time that I have received revelation from the Lord I denied it several different times. Finally I said okay, I will get started on leaving Arizona and heading back to Las Vegas. Without my husband. Each and every step I took to prepare myself and my children I had this unwavering peace around me. I had strength that i never knew I had. And one night I got word to leave now. So the next day I fixed my car, started packing somethings and called a friend over to receive a priesthood blessing. In that blessing I felt the spirit stronger than ever that I was on the right track, and that my boys and I would be taken care of.
I knew without a doubt that leaving would be one of the hardest things I EVER had to do. That it wouldn't be like the last times when I would leave for a week, cool off over whatever fight we had. But that when I left I didn't know when or if I would be coming back.
I talked to Collin wed morning. Packed up the car and left. Angels watched over my car as I drove. They surrounded my boys and i every step of the way. and when I pulled up to my mom's house. They walked with me as I dragged two very tired little boys inside. And my father as he helped bring in our stuff felt the spirit and the angels all around us that it brought him to tears.
While the last couple of weeks have been so difficult that it hurts to move and get out of bed sometimes; i know without a doubt that I am where i need to be. I don't know what would have happened if I would have stayed in Arizona and not left when I did. But i do know that i am being blessed for following the spirit and putting my trust in him.
You never know what will happen if you don't follow the promptings of the spirit. Could be as simple as losing a book. Or as devastating as something awful happening to your family because you didn't listen and go when you were told to. Or you will never know why you were told to stay when you wanted to leave. The Lord does work in mysterious ways. I am so thankful everyday for me being worthy enough to receive revelation from the Lord for my family. And for the spirit giving me enough strength to do what is right and follow the gospel.
26- Therefore, treasure up in your heart until the time which is in my wisdom that you shall go forth.
While readying this afternoon this particular scripture jumped out and bit me. I never thought of myself have being able to receive revelation. I have always been a member of the church and knew of others who received it. And I never doubted the truth behind their own revelations, promptings, guidance from the lord. I just never thought of myself as being worthy enough to have my own.
Till one day while driving down the street, it hit me that I needed to have another baby. I started laughing because Collin and I had just had a huge fight and I had left the home for about a week and then made him stay over at his mom's house for a week before I would let him move back in. I kept thinking to myself, there is NO WAY we should be having a baby right now!
But the thought wouldn't leave me, and I kept chalking it up to just being baby hungry. Noah was getting older and no longer wanted to sit and cuddle with me, I just wasn't his everything anymore. I told Collin that I wanted to have another baby and to my surprise he said okay. Couple months later I was pregnant with Nickalus Alan. I have had it reassured to me several different times that Nicklaus is supposed to be mine. That he was sent to my family for a specific reason.
This last time that I have received revelation from the Lord I denied it several different times. Finally I said okay, I will get started on leaving Arizona and heading back to Las Vegas. Without my husband. Each and every step I took to prepare myself and my children I had this unwavering peace around me. I had strength that i never knew I had. And one night I got word to leave now. So the next day I fixed my car, started packing somethings and called a friend over to receive a priesthood blessing. In that blessing I felt the spirit stronger than ever that I was on the right track, and that my boys and I would be taken care of.
I knew without a doubt that leaving would be one of the hardest things I EVER had to do. That it wouldn't be like the last times when I would leave for a week, cool off over whatever fight we had. But that when I left I didn't know when or if I would be coming back.
I talked to Collin wed morning. Packed up the car and left. Angels watched over my car as I drove. They surrounded my boys and i every step of the way. and when I pulled up to my mom's house. They walked with me as I dragged two very tired little boys inside. And my father as he helped bring in our stuff felt the spirit and the angels all around us that it brought him to tears.
While the last couple of weeks have been so difficult that it hurts to move and get out of bed sometimes; i know without a doubt that I am where i need to be. I don't know what would have happened if I would have stayed in Arizona and not left when I did. But i do know that i am being blessed for following the spirit and putting my trust in him.
You never know what will happen if you don't follow the promptings of the spirit. Could be as simple as losing a book. Or as devastating as something awful happening to your family because you didn't listen and go when you were told to. Or you will never know why you were told to stay when you wanted to leave. The Lord does work in mysterious ways. I am so thankful everyday for me being worthy enough to receive revelation from the Lord for my family. And for the spirit giving me enough strength to do what is right and follow the gospel.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Off on another adventure
So the boys and I are off on another adventure right now. For the time being we are lucky enough to be back in Vegas and spending some time with my family.
It has been so wonderful the last couple of weeks watching my mom play with Nick and Noah and how it has gone from slowly wonder if grandma shell is okay to letting her comfort them when they get hurt and going with her on shopping adventures.
My dad has never been actively involved in his childrens lifes, but with my boys he has been such a great grandpa. He plays with them and shares his coke and hoho's and will just lay down on the floor and let them crawl all over him. Taking Noah and Nick for rides on his tractor and to feed the chickens.
I am so grateful for my parents and all of their love and support that they have shown me, not just the last couple of weeks; which have been unbelievably hard, but with my whole life. I have never doubted if they ever loved me or not. In all of their words and deeds I knew.
Thank you mom and dad for putting up with me and my rotten boys. I love you guys.
It has been so wonderful the last couple of weeks watching my mom play with Nick and Noah and how it has gone from slowly wonder if grandma shell is okay to letting her comfort them when they get hurt and going with her on shopping adventures.
My dad has never been actively involved in his childrens lifes, but with my boys he has been such a great grandpa. He plays with them and shares his coke and hoho's and will just lay down on the floor and let them crawl all over him. Taking Noah and Nick for rides on his tractor and to feed the chickens.
I am so grateful for my parents and all of their love and support that they have shown me, not just the last couple of weeks; which have been unbelievably hard, but with my whole life. I have never doubted if they ever loved me or not. In all of their words and deeds I knew.
Thank you mom and dad for putting up with me and my rotten boys. I love you guys.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Zobristisms
Zobristisms
Thanks to my "Favorite" Little Sister
I will never forget all the unforgettable stories of my childhood.
a zobrist child must instigate a food fight during dinner. this is a time honored rite of passage. mine involved butter. it usually starts begin targeted at alan but soon grows to involve the whole family.
want to leave your bra around the house? that's fine. but it's bound to end up on our street signs, flying in the wind. or around the rearview mirror on a truck. heck, it might end up there even if you don't leave it about. this is often often referred to as the flying purple bird anomaly.
leftovers are for the chickens. that's why the chicken bucket was invented. that, and for collecting chicken eggs.
want to leave your bra around the house? that's fine. but it's bound to end up on our street signs, flying in the wind. or around the rearview mirror on a truck. heck, it might end up there even if you don't leave it about. this is often often referred to as the flying purple bird anomaly.
leftovers are for the chickens. that's why the chicken bucket was invented. that, and for collecting chicken eggs.
dogs come in gaggles. cats are expendable (thanks dad). dead animals get tree memorials. birds are freezable/microwavable/drunk-
able. tarantulas like windex. cows make great leather couches. snakes enjoy shower drains. and horses look best against plexiglass surrounded by chlorine water.
able. tarantulas like windex. cows make great leather couches. snakes enjoy shower drains. and horses look best against plexiglass surrounded by chlorine water.
always volunteer to do the nightly feedings for the horses- dad has a stash of of candy in the trailer.
nothing says i love you like sackcloth and ashes.
just ask josh & anna.
just ask josh & anna.
you always want dad to make your lunch- he usually includes 4 quarters hidden in the sandwich. just make sure you check before you bite.
christmas is a time of frenzy and fantasy. esp. when you have a magic christmas tree. instructions: buy a magic christmas seed from a magical traveler (or use an avocado pit- whatevs). plant the seed and check on it hourly. it will rapidly grow into a little branch (that resembles our bushes), then a small bush (which looks awfully like a tree branch) then poof! you have a tree!
sometimes working in freezing temperatures, cutting up raw chicken with people who don't speak english can teach you valuable life lessons. but more often than not, it doesn't. actually, it never teaches you anything.
when potential suitors approach the zobrist compound, hoping to date one of the girls, the suitor is given an application. he is asked for his SS#, references, intentions he has for the girl in question, and others ("if a chicken is crossing the road across from the zobrist house and a dog walks by, what time is it?) make sure your gun is prominently on display as well.
if you accidently sit on a budding alfalfa bush, do not lie and say a dog sat on it. believe me; it will only end badly for you and your caboose. but not for your sibling’s butts- they turn out to be quite the actors.
if one is ever in possession of a tan van, driving it into the garage door might not be the best way to ensure a driver's license. neither will dragging the truck alongside a trash can or stealing it for mcdonald's runs.
want a fun halloween costume? or just want to try on 'the blue man' group's outfit? cover yourself in blue paint! all the rage these days...
when potential suitors approach the zobrist compound, hoping to date one of the girls, the suitor is given an application. he is asked for his SS#, references, intentions he has for the girl in question, and others ("if a chicken is crossing the road across from the zobrist house and a dog walks by, what time is it?) make sure your gun is prominently on display as well.
if you accidently sit on a budding alfalfa bush, do not lie and say a dog sat on it. believe me; it will only end badly for you and your caboose. but not for your sibling’s butts- they turn out to be quite the actors.
if one is ever in possession of a tan van, driving it into the garage door might not be the best way to ensure a driver's license. neither will dragging the truck alongside a trash can or stealing it for mcdonald's runs.
want a fun halloween costume? or just want to try on 'the blue man' group's outfit? cover yourself in blue paint! all the rage these days...
don't steal. but if you do, make sure no video cameras are set up. EXCEPTION: if you leave money lying about, you are just asking for trouble.
square-head, noonie, rb, pineapple, priss, bubblebutt, mother hen, the three little girls, gopher girl and awn are actually endearing nicknames. learn to love them.
general conference was made for cinammon rolls. sundays were made for large dinners and don' be the last NOT IT or else you get to burn your hands while wishing dishes. (Mom's dishwasher has two temps. 2nd degree and 3rd degree- burns that is)
sentiments of affections offer little value here. not that they aren’t wonderful and all gooey-inside making. mom, we know you love us, but what good does that do us?
when you kill something, you are expected to eat it. thankfully though, mom snuck around this law when making snakeskin stew with chicken (which was delicious). the real stuff, we came to know a few days later, was not quite as delicious.
when you wake up, make sure you turn on the porch light. this will act as a beacon to call your mother back home. just don’t let her catch you eating cheerios on the piano- this will end the lack of parental supervision time you enjoy.
as part of our wonderful ananatomical anonomly, we have built in burgular alarms. our nasal orchestra is loud enough to scare any robbers away.
you know, you might be a parents, but you still might not know how to use a belt properly. this is where know-it-all sons come in handy.
when you kill something, you are expected to eat it. thankfully though, mom snuck around this law when making snakeskin stew with chicken (which was delicious). the real stuff, we came to know a few days later, was not quite as delicious.
when you wake up, make sure you turn on the porch light. this will act as a beacon to call your mother back home. just don’t let her catch you eating cheerios on the piano- this will end the lack of parental supervision time you enjoy.
as part of our wonderful ananatomical anonomly, we have built in burgular alarms. our nasal orchestra is loud enough to scare any robbers away.
you know, you might be a parents, but you still might not know how to use a belt properly. this is where know-it-all sons come in handy.
be scared of the belt. or in nate's case, the sword.
kissing your brother is by FAR the worst possible punishment you could ever receive.
red play dough + gun powder + match = one eyed boy + lots of fun.
anything less than a harley is a crime against nature.
if you have a big sister who tells you to do something, think twice. more than likely, she is trying to pawn off some misdeed on you. especially if they involve fake flowers.
holidays were made for coloring breakfast foods. especially oatmeal. although sometimes it turns purple for no good reason, other than your father’s enjoyment.
animals often get names, such as tom the turkey, Helen, or jeanie. bad news is they eventually become dinner. so don’t get too attached. these ones actually were never eaten- tom & helen died of old age. jeanie was so mean she had to be slaughtered (i wonder whose pet THAT was?) but spot the pig was eaten and I am still bitter about that.
dad used to be a little girl. i don’t know how or why or what the particular were, but this singular fact is enough to creep anyone out.
sometimes the boy who cried snake isn’t lying. need proof? wait till his arm poofs up faster than anna can cry.
holidays were made for coloring breakfast foods. especially oatmeal. although sometimes it turns purple for no good reason, other than your father’s enjoyment.
animals often get names, such as tom the turkey, Helen, or jeanie. bad news is they eventually become dinner. so don’t get too attached. these ones actually were never eaten- tom & helen died of old age. jeanie was so mean she had to be slaughtered (i wonder whose pet THAT was?) but spot the pig was eaten and I am still bitter about that.
dad used to be a little girl. i don’t know how or why or what the particular were, but this singular fact is enough to creep anyone out.
sometimes the boy who cried snake isn’t lying. need proof? wait till his arm poofs up faster than anna can cry.
cursing is NOT to be had in the zobrist household. if will result in getting your mouth washed out with soap and/or hot sauce. EXCEPTION: alan, rachelle, or oscar johnson.
if your dog bo dies, don’t fret! you can always replace him with another- no harm, no foul!
quick duck: the exciting game used by hs students who are followed by their parents while they are on less-
quick duck: the exciting game used by hs students who are followed by their parents while they are on less-
if you, as a father, want to punish your son, do not, i repeat, DO NOT, kick him in the butt. he will poop on you as his punishment for your punishment.
christmas is an extremely magical time. the most prized gift is also the greenest- our money trees, not to be confused with the cash advancing business. twigs are immortalized in cement then decorated with fresh, crisp $1 to be used at jones feed after church for cokes or candy bars.
sometimes throwing a tv on the front walkway won’t break it. no matter how many times you throw it. thankfully, alan discovered he had a gun.
beware of who you tickle. some people have low tolerance for tickles and you end up getting puke all over you. in all fairness, she did warn you.
when your big brother asks you to sit on his lap while he’s at the piano, RUN! he will hold you there for hours, forcing you to sing, teach you how to conduct, or just hit yourself for hours.
sometimes throwing a tv on the front walkway won’t break it. no matter how many times you throw it. thankfully, alan discovered he had a gun.
beware of who you tickle. some people have low tolerance for tickles and you end up getting puke all over you. in all fairness, she did warn you.
when your big brother asks you to sit on his lap while he’s at the piano, RUN! he will hold you there for hours, forcing you to sing, teach you how to conduct, or just hit yourself for hours.
when you emerged from the waterslide (aka- mother' womb after 6 kids), you were given a number. that number is so no one was forgotten. even though anna was (she fell asleep in dad's closet after being punished. we didn't realize she was gone till we were on our way to church. when you have 6 chicklens, it's easy to misplace one or two). numbers are used as following:
(zobrist kids enter the tan-van)
mom: count off!
nate: 1! shannon: 2!
(zobrist kids enter the tan-van)
mom: count off!
nate: 1! shannon: 2!
josh: 3! anna: 4!
devin: 5!melissa: 6!
horse troughs have multiple purposes. aside from the obvious, they are perfect size hot-tubs, or more aptly put, cold tubs for lounging around. don't worry- no cleaning necessary. They can also be used as fish tanks and live self-
sufficiently on the algae.
sufficiently on the algae.
did you know the in the leafy treetops, the birds sing ‘good morning’? you know, they usually are the first ones to see the sun so they have to tell everyone. in the pretty garden, the flowers are doing….something. i don’t remember what- usually at this point, i fall back to bed.
church is a time of reverence. if you are fortunate (and sneaky) enough to hide a treat, do not put it down your pants. this could result in getting gum all over your schnabby. the penis kind, not the neck.
dots on walls are not purely decoration, but unique forms of punishment. when you get in trouble (and let’s face it; you are a zobrist and are bound to get in trouble. unless your devin), you are told to ‘peg it to the wall’. but don’t you dare move! alan knows all…
when in need of lunch money, go ask uncle reed. he is usually good for it. grandpa? Not so much.
the bestest of big brothers take their sisters on their bike to band practice
church is a time of reverence. if you are fortunate (and sneaky) enough to hide a treat, do not put it down your pants. this could result in getting gum all over your schnabby. the penis kind, not the neck.
dots on walls are not purely decoration, but unique forms of punishment. when you get in trouble (and let’s face it; you are a zobrist and are bound to get in trouble. unless your devin), you are told to ‘peg it to the wall’. but don’t you dare move! alan knows all…
when in need of lunch money, go ask uncle reed. he is usually good for it. grandpa? Not so much.
the bestest of big brothers take their sisters on their bike to band practice
when killing a turkey, make sure you chop its head completely off. lesson learned: young trey tagliaferri who was a little turkey (pun intended) who made the turkey 'nearly headless'.
beware of the peanut butter bird. he hates dirty hair. and gum.
when boning a chicken, avoid the 'schnabby' at all costs. the schnabby is a long, meaty thing- resembling a tube of sausage. when i was little, i was convinced a schnabby was... something found only on a man. it took years to find its true identity--- any guesses?
what makes a pretty girl pretty? well not makeup, esp. when you put it on at the bus stop (anna). not a zingy sense of humor (shannon). not someone who is indecisive (devin) or even someone bossy/spoiled (mel). "the smile on her face and the way she loves others". important life lesson.
playing the piano for an hour every morning starting at 5am is the only way to teach your children the piano. if they get frustrated, make them blow in your face (WARNING: morning breath). "one day, you will thank me for doing this". sorry mom, no thanks here.
saturday schedule: cold cereal (a TREAT!) in chocolate milk followed by a long morning of shoveling horse poop/chicken poop/ (if you were lucky) riding dad's tractor. to finish the long day's work, you got to go to jone's feed for a soda & candy bar.
what makes a pretty girl pretty? well not makeup, esp. when you put it on at the bus stop (anna). not a zingy sense of humor (shannon). not someone who is indecisive (devin) or even someone bossy/spoiled (mel). "the smile on her face and the way she loves others". important life lesson.
playing the piano for an hour every morning starting at 5am is the only way to teach your children the piano. if they get frustrated, make them blow in your face (WARNING: morning breath). "one day, you will thank me for doing this". sorry mom, no thanks here.
saturday schedule: cold cereal (a TREAT!) in chocolate milk followed by a long morning of shoveling horse poop/chicken poop/ (if you were lucky) riding dad's tractor. to finish the long day's work, you got to go to jone's feed for a soda & candy bar.
IMPORTANT: a coke + 2 candy bars do NOT = $100.
Unless your Mel
when you marry into the zobrist clan, you need to realize you are now involved with local celebrities. having appeared in several exposes on ABC, these farm folks & their turkeys are quite the talk around town.
one day when your little sister becomes famous for being the first singer riding a horse in a rodeo while managing her 7-11s via headset and her horse playing soccer, she will buy you an A/Ced tractor + TV, large diamond ring, or motor-cycle. your choice.
bleach can turn your black hands white. thankfully, we are white. regrettably, now Ernie is too.
zobrists are always prepared for disaster or life’s little tragedies. huge generator? check. drums of water? check. a living will? yes sir- it’s called the ray policy. when my dad reaches his maximum potential for craziness, we have the authority to take him to the desert and shoot him. the clock’s ticking pop…
come halloween time, make sure your friends know not to come to the zobrist’s house. our coffins come with real bodies. and scary, scary masks.
animals that live on the zobrist plantation tend to have mental problems. either due to ear chewing or emotional suffocation. this tends to have an effect on their actions. we have experience suicide attempts, incontinence (white dogs especially), and even blatant attempts for attention (like rescuing birds and leaving them on cars).
fish have feelings. even if you don’t eat them, they tend to haunt you. in your window sill, bathroom, even your bed. Beware.
toilets have various functions. preferably, they make excellent planters. and outdoor toilets. do your business and it biodegrades in a couple years! just doing our part to save the planet.
come halloween time, make sure your friends know not to come to the zobrist’s house. our coffins come with real bodies. and scary, scary masks.
animals that live on the zobrist plantation tend to have mental problems. either due to ear chewing or emotional suffocation. this tends to have an effect on their actions. we have experience suicide attempts, incontinence (white dogs especially), and even blatant attempts for attention (like rescuing birds and leaving them on cars).
fish have feelings. even if you don’t eat them, they tend to haunt you. in your window sill, bathroom, even your bed. Beware.
toilets have various functions. preferably, they make excellent planters. and outdoor toilets. do your business and it biodegrades in a couple years! just doing our part to save the planet.
One thing I can say about my childhood is that it was never dull. And i never knew how much I appreciated all the creative punishments and activities until I had children of my own.
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